Photo by The Marmot

So I stayed home from work, sick, on Thursday and Friday. I even stayed home from class Thursday night.  Possibly a very bad idea, but I’ll try to get notes from someone tonight.

I’m nearly positive that it wasn’t the flu but rather something like my body just wanting to shut down out of exhaustion.  I had a fever off & on.  A steady head ache as well as an all-over sort of ache.  I barely moved Thursday & Friday.  Honestly, I didn’t even think about touching my school work.  And I did very little over the weekend.  Saturday I went out to Starbucks with a friend and did some research on Lexis for my third Memo.  Sunday, the plan was to do my outline and bibliography for the Memo, which is due tonight.  What actually happened:  I read through about half of the cases that I found and played Sims for most of the day.  What that means:  I will be scurrying to get everything done between 3:45, when I finish work, and 6:30, when class starts.  I’m tired just thinking about it.

Yesterday, Mother Dearest made a comment  that really made me angry.  She asked if I was going to quit–drop out of school.  At first, I thought she was joking, so I nodded my head yes.  And then she said, “Because I would really understand if you decided this was just too much.”  I don’t think she believes that I’m taking this seriously.  I responded with something like:  “I must be headed for failure if my own mother doesn’t even think I can finish law school.”  She was quick to go back and try to cover herself by saying, “I didn’t say that you couldn’t finish.  I just know that it’s been exhausting for you.”

Yes.  It’s been exhausting.  But it’s exhausting for everyone.  Right?  I mean, I’m not the only one who wants to crawl into a hole hibernate for a good month or so… Right?  RIGHT?

I’ve quit a lot of things in my life.  I quit softball when I was a kid.  I quit ballet, tap, jazz, etc.  I quit girl scouts.  I’ve never been fired from a job, so for every job that I’ve had, there was a point when I decided to quit.  And yet, I wouldn’t consider myself a quitter.  There are many things that I’ve done for [relatively] long periods of time.  I played flute from fifth grade through my senior year of high school.  I worked at the public library for three years, which isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of things but when you consider that I hated going to work almost every day during that period, I’d say I did pretty well.  Also, three years–when I’m only 24–is a decent chunk of time, I think.  And when I quit that job, it was because I had a better offer.

One thing I’ve never quit at, though, has been school.  I will be the first to admit that I’m not always a hard worker.  But I’ve always managed to do well, regardless.  I don’t know how…but it comes together, somehow, in the end.

But this is law school.  This is different.  I am working hard.  Not as hard as some people, I’m sure, but harder than others.  Some days, I don’t know if I’ll make it.  But the thing is…if I don’t make it, it’s going to be because they’ve dragged me out of here, kicking and screaming.  I refuse to go quietly.

I am not a quitter.