Iced cake decorated with happy birthday candles

One of the interesting things about this whole blogging thing is watching the search terms that lead people to my little corner of the blogosphere.  Recently, this popped up:

“i work at a library” social phobia

Prince William Visits New Zealand - Day 2

I guess the reason I’m so amused by it is that, while I can piece together why that search might’ve lead someone here, I’ve never actually written about it… And yet.  And yet. I do sort of have a social phobia.  And I do work at a library.

I’m a fairly anti-social person.  I have a handful of good friends but 9 times out of 10, give me the choice between going out to a party or a bar, and staying home to watch a movie or read a book….And I’m going to stay home.

But, like I said, I work at a library.  I’ve been in my current position for a little over a year but before that, I worked at other librarys for a total of about three years.  And always, always public service.  Why??  I’m not a huge fan of people (I very much prefer the company of animals!), so why do I continue to put myself in this position?  I honestly don’t know.

So to whoever searched “i work at a library” social phobia–I understand.  I feel your pain.

My favorite word lately has been “egocentric.”

From the OED:

a. Centred in the ego; in vague or popular use: self-centred, egoistic.

b. Philos. egocentric predicament, the supposed impossibility of knowing anything outside one’s own mind.

Also as n., one who is self-centred. So {smm}egocen{sm}tricity, ego{sm}centrism, the state or quality of being egocentric; self-centredness; ego{sm}centrically adv.

Part of the reason I like this word so much is because I’m given so many opportunities to use it, working in a law library.  No offense to any law students–I used to be one!–but I think it takes a certain amount of egocentricity to go to law school… to be in the world of law at all, for that matter.  I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing.  It’s just necessary, in a sense, in order to be successful.

Egocentricity isn’t necessary for everyone, though.  While I think everyone gets a case of it from time to time, someone who is consistently egocentric is hard to deal with.

The reason I’m ranting about egocentricity is this:  I was thinking about my previous post.  I put it out there, without going into much detail, because it’s something that’s been on my mind.  It’s funny though–With the lack of detail, any single person reading it might’ve had an idea as to who they thought I was writing about, which is totally fine.  But the person I was actually writing about, is so completely lacking egocentricity that there would probably never be an assumption of any kind.

Is it possible to be “just friends” with someone that you have feelings for?

I used to think that it couldn’t be done.  I’ve never been good at staying friends with exes.  And, in the past, if I had feelings for someone and things never worked out between us, I just moved on.

But then I met someone who changed everything…

When you find that you care for someone so much–much more than expected–the thought of struggling with feelings that can’t be acted upon is more bearable than the thought of simply breaking off a friendship entirely.

Some days it might be harder than others but you deal with it.

And life does go on.  One day you’ll wake up and be able to think fondly of your friend–without the pain.  You’ll be able to appreciate the friendship for what it is.  Just a friendship.  You’ll find that it is possible to be “just friends.”

Yesterday I was in training at work from 8am until about 3pm with a break for lunch.  It was a lot of information and just a long day overall.  Needless to say, the last thing on my mind was posting.  But I do like including some of my tweets here so I give you Twitter Tuesday…on Wednesday.

  • Getting excited about the Dean Martin Festival. The next 2 months need to fly! 9:23 AM Apr 20th via Flock
  • Sorrow makes us all children again – destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson #quotes 12:49 PM Apr 20th via Flock
  • Just looked in mirror. Saw wrinkles under eyes. Am devastated. 7:08 PM Apr 21st via UberTwitter
  • Just finished the book sale marathon. Final count of 6 bags. Spent about $25. Not bad. 2:23 PM Apr 24th via UberTwitter
  • Coffee and books. Might sound boring to some but it’s the perfect way to end a busy day in my world. 8:04 PM Apr 24th via UberTwitter
  • Mildly attractive guy sitting outside at starbucks. Smoking–minus several points. Talking on 1 phone while looking at another–idiot. 12:01 PM Apr 25th via UberTwitter
  • Just got my acceptance for Grad School. Yay!!! 1:49 PM Apr 26th via UberTwitter
High surf, southern Australian coast, Australia

…pain ebbs and flows.

You can be waltzing through life, going about business, and that tide will just hit you.  Seemingly out of the blue.  Unexpected.

Like a Ton. Of . Bricks.

Pain, especially grief, is unpredictable.

If you’ve lost someone close to you, you’ll understand what I’m saying.

If you haven’t lost someone close to you…well, you are lucky, but–unfortunately–one day, you too will understand the feeling.  Short of putting up walls and refusing to love, everyone out there is going to know the pain and grief of losing a parent, a friend, or, God-forbid, a child, at some point or another.

They say time heals all wounds.

They are full of shit.

Not even going to lie.

Or at least as far as I can tell.

As time passes, you might get away with longer stretches of anguish-free existence but the pain of losing someone close, never really goes away.

The past week in Tweets…

  • Cleveland-bound for the Indians home opener. Yayyyyy!!! 12:11 PM Apr 12th via UberTwitter
  • Old drunk men next to me are talking (and giggling) about nuts. Do guys *ever* grow up? 3:45 PM Apr 12th via UberTwitter
  • Just saw a “WTF” bumper sticker. I want it. 5:42 PM Apr 13th via UberTwitter
  • Lots of coffee + good friends = better day 6:19 PM Apr 14th via UberTwitter
  • I’m thankful for my friends who bring and/or offer to bring me coffee at work! 🙂 9:47 AM Apr 15th via Flock
  • Determined to make today a good day. Which probably means that it will suck. 6:37 AM Apr 19th via UberTwitter

If you aren’t doing so already, follow me on twitter:  @kmf85!

…It’s harder than it sounds.

When I was younger, my dad used to tell me to “make it a good day.”

It’s been almost 7 years since he passed away and I hold those 5 little words close to my heart.  It’s one of those things that I can still picture him saying.  I can even hear the words coming out of his mouth.

I swear, though, that every morning I make that statement–I’m going to make it a good day!–it’s as if the world sets out to make sure I fail.

I don’t actually think the world is out to get me.  No worries.

But really.  I woke up with a good attitude this morning.  Made that statement.  Then, got to work and gave myself a paper cut within ten minutes.  Shortly thereafter, the campus police unlocked the front doors & nearly scared me to death.  They asked if the fire alarm had gone off.  Said there had been reports of smoke at the circulation desk.  Ummm… Well, this is the circulation desk.  There’s no smoke here.  And there hasn’t been an alarm since I got here 10 or 15 mintues ago. “Oh, okay,” they said.  And then turned around and walked out.

I feel safe.

So it’s been an interesting morning.  And it’s not even 7:30 yet.  I can hardly wait to see what the rest of the day will hold.

I feel like I’ve been sucked into a time machine and transported back to high school.

Work has been ridiculous the past couple of weeks.

People have been gossiping more than normal.  People have been more childish than normal.  People around here still haven’t figured out how to step up and take responsibility for their mistakes.

Seriously.  Ridiculous.

More than once, I’ve day dreamed about simply walking out and never coming back.

If only…

So I finally made it to a Cleveland Indians Home Opener and they lost.

But that’s jumping ahead quite a bit.

The game, despite the end result, was a good one.  Both teams–Cleveland & Texas–played well, I thought.  For the most part anyway.

My day started off normally.  Woke up at a ridiculous time.  Got to work at a ridiculous time.  Spent a ridiculous amount of time at the circ desk.  But then I got to change things up a bit.  I left work at 11:45–instead of 3:45–and instead of driving home, I drove to Cleveland.

At first I thought I’d given myself way too much time but by the time I got closer to the city, I started to wonder if I’d have enough time.  The traffic was crazy.  There were people everywhere.  The bars and restaurants all around the Field were overflowing.  And my normal parking deck for Indians games was already closed.  Bummer.

So I kept driving.  And driving. And driving.  Finally, I found a lot that was a mile or more away from Progressive Field.  All things considered, not bad.  And a plus–I only paid $4 to park.

I took copious notes in my phone so I’d be able to find my way back to the car, as I’m directionally challenged.  In between which streets?  What’s the lot called?  Where exactly is my car?  Which way did I walk?  Then I hiked through the city towards what I hoped was Progressive Field.  Though, if I’m being completely honest, I must admit that I followed a group wearing Tribe shirts & jackets.

When I arrived, I claimed my magnetic schedule for the season & a program, and then found my way to the top.  Since I bought my ticket pretty late, I couldn’t be too choosy about the location.  But actually, it turned out to be pretty darn decent.  I was in Section 458, the third row.  Other than a few obnoxious (and drunk) old men to my left, I had nothing to complain about.

There were a few strange things about the game itself, though.

First of all, Shin-Soo Choo seemed a little…”off.”  While he did get a homerun (CHOOOOOOO!!!!), he also made a…. “silly” out.  Bill Lubinger said it best in this Plain Dealer article, yesterday:  “Choo drew a one-out walk in the third, but when designated hitter Travis Hafner popped up, Choo began racing around the bases, blundering into an easy and puzzling double play.”  It was really bizarre.  Everyone was yelling “ONE OUT!”  But Choo thought the inning was over.  And then it really was over.

The other strange thing about the game was the catcher, Mike Redmond… It wasn’t anything that Redmond did but rather what happened to him.  He caught a number of foul balls…and not in his mitt.  One clipped his knee.  He caught one with his shoulder.  And it seemed like there were a few others in there off the chest or other body parts.  Two of those balls completely knocked him over, one of which brought out a coach and trainer.

Now, I played catcher.  It was wayyyy back in the day–slow pitch softball.  A horse of a very different color, obviously.  But I understand that as a catcher, unfortunately, you’re not going to catch everything.  And sometimes you get beat up a little bit.  But this was ridiculous.  It was one after another.  The guy just could not catch a break.

The game was close.  Tied, in fact.  It went into an extra inning and while Cleveland was close, it was Texas who got the go-ahead runs to win the game.

Next year, I’d like to get a hotel in Cleveland and make a whole trip of it.  Stay the night before and perhaps even the night after the game.  Be close enough to walk to Progressive Field.  Be close to the restaurants (and bars).

I’m already looking forward to it.  🙂